In a Crowd

Ever been in a crowd? Ever been in a crowd by yourself? You might feel completely confident, but you might not, you might feel self conscious. Its funny how sometimes the loneliest you can possibly be is when you are in a crowd.

If you are alone amongst a large group of people that you don't know, you become very self aware. you might wonder if the more popular people at the party can see you and you wonder what they might think about you. You wonder if you should have another drink, eat another hors d'oeuvre or just run from that place and never look back.

You also become very aware of your surroundings. Your nearest escape route, the bar, places where you can be alone and it won't seem weird. You also notice the people around you. what they are wearing, whether or not they are eating, whether they are bored or having the time of their lives. You notice if they look bored or entertained. you notice large groups of people that in another lifetime might have been your best friends instead of distant strangers. Sometimes a part of you even begins hoping that the cool person in a group would pay attention to you. that they would look your way and approach you, attempting to engage you in conversation. You wish that they would rescue you from your loneliness. only it never happens. and you are in fact alone.

sometimes you are that lonely person at the party, and sometimes, you aren't. sometimes you are part of the in-crowd. Sometimes you are the person in the group that looks around and notices that person that wishes you would talk to them And when you are part of the crowd, you have a choice. either look away and pretend you didn't notice their eyes flashing you an SOS, or you walk over, say hi and let them know they are not alone. because the truth is, you never know when you will be alone, wishing that somebody, anybody would notice you.

To Live the Dream or Dream About Living?

It’s funny how day dreams will sometimes get you through the day. Your body is in one place that might not be as great as wherever you have floated off to in your mind. In your own dreams you can be whoever you want to be, where ever you want to be, whenever you want to be there. In real life, you can only be who you are. You can only be who you are at that moment. You are limited by time and place which dictate what you are able to do and what you are not.

So often we try our best to remain in a state of comfort where challenges are minimal, and discomfort is avoided at all costs. We aim for our own private utopia and make any changes necessary to keep it. Sometimes those changes are physical, surrounding our environment with memories of the past, photos, toys, posters, anything that can take our mind off of the fact that we would rather be somewhere else. And sometimes it is our mind that takes off to a better place than where you currently are. A memory of the past, a place you would currently rather be, or to a future where everything in life finally makes sense. And when you find yourself doing that, you realize that the utopia you have created in your mind, isn’t enough anymore. You find that daydreams are insufficient and all the decorative artifacts and mementos that you surround yourself with are still lacking. You remember that in the past you never dreamt you would be where you are now. And although you have tried hard to create paradise in the circumstances that you now face, the circumstances you yourself created; you have not succeeded.

And when you become aware of that, there is only one thing left to do. There is only one decision left to make. Do you hold on to this makeshift bliss? Or do you disassemble everything that you have worked hard to maintain, taking the risk to see if the reality is as good as the dream? So the question is do you want to stay where you are or strive to be the person you have always wanted to be? A person that doesn’t avoid challenges, but welcomes them. A person that doesn’t seek the reward of comfort, but knows that to become uncomfortable about the right things is a reward in itself. A person that has left the past behind, and has walked into their destiny. A person that knows that they are living the dream, experiencing the realization that they were created for something better.

Observations From 30 Days Of Truth

Observations from 30 days of truth:

It’s hard to be honest. It’s hard to put yourself out there, to hang your heart on your sleeve and to hope that people will understand where you are coming from. It’s really hard for me to think about things I like/love about myself. I can be very self-conscious and down on myself so to locate those things and write them down is a bit much for me. It was interesting to think about and re-live certain memories like the person that made my life hell or the hero that let me down. These posts hurt to think about but it was also good to just say these things outloud. Gay Marriage and religion/politics were without a doubt the hardest subjects to voice my opinions about, knowing that some people will disagree with you and possibly even judging you as closed minded, antiquated, homophobic, or fundamentalist. In all doing this 30 day project allowed me to think into things I don’t normally think about and that is a positive. Doing this 30 days of truth project was a great experience and I invite you all to take this challenge!

Thanks for reading along, folks!

The End of Rituals...

This morning I am thinking about ritual (defined as - any practice or pattern of behavior regularly performed in a set manner). Specifically I am thinking about rituals of my past and how they have been affected by modern innovations. And yet it’s not only my rituals that are being affected, they are all of our rituals and sometimes we don’t even notice.
Let me offer a few examples. But first, go ahead and press play on this video as it is the soundtrack to reading this post! lol

When I was a kid, my mom would take me and my sisters down to the local movie store to rent movies. We would walk around looking at the movies by genre. My older sister would check out chick flicks, my other sister would check out teeny bop comedies and I would look for action movies or cartoon action movies. Meanwhile my mom would talk to the lady who worked at the video store. We would bring my mom about 2 movies each and she would tell us to narrow it down to one. We would put one back, she would pay, and we would pop pop corn and take turns watching our movies. It may not seem like a huge deal, but for me, those were great times! Fast forward to 2011 and we have replaced that ritual with one word: Netflix. Meanwhile the last of the video stores (blockbuster) is beginning to close down all of their locations. Goodbye blockbuster nights!
Another example. Since the beginning of time the process went like this: Man saw woman, man was captivated by woman, man approached woman, man talked to woman, man attempted to woo woman, man and woman fell in love, and the rest was history. Then technological innovation came into play and all of that changed! Welcome to the world of online dating! This includes sites such as: zoosk, match.com, plenty of fish, eharmony, perfectmatch.com, etc. This is an outstanding innovation; it makes it easier to meet people in bulk with the comfort of never having to leave home. The problem, it cuts out the ritual! Men no longer have to approach women at the social functions. People no longer have to socialize. Men don’t have to sweat and get nervous as they work up the courage to approach her in front of all her friends to ask her out at the risk her saying no. This is good for gutless guys, but it cuts out all the magic of that moment when she says “yes” when she could have said “no!”
One last example. Whenever I would go to the mall I would always go straight to the music store. I would cross my fingers and hope the CD (or tape, lol) I wanted was there. I would walk (to the back of the store) to the rap section, flip through the various other CD’s, find other CD’s I found interesting, and finally set my eyes on the CD I wanted. I would look at the cover, look at the back, read the track names, walk to the front of the store and pay for the album. When I got home I would rip off the plastic cover, pop the CD into the player, lie in my bed, and read the lyrics, and check out the cover art. For me, this was the most important ritual of my life. And What did we replace it with? Itunes. “Digital cover art.” Music right at your hands that never really touches your hands.
My only question is what’s next? Will they close down movie theaters and have new movies on the internet? Will they close down grocery stores and have it so you can order groceries to be delivered straight to your house (which I wouldn’t doubt they already have). Will they make it so that we get rid of ritual, human warmth, face to face conversation, and friendship? In many ways I feel they already have. Please don’t misunderstand me! I love Itunes, I love Facebook, I even love blogging! But they will never compare to buying a CD at a music store, hanging out with friends/ socializing with people you don’t know, and pouring your heart out to a friend who genuinely cares. I love technology but I wish I didn’t have to trade in the beauty of ritual to get it.
Your opinions? What rituals do you miss? What is the next thing that will be eliminated by technological innovations? Do you like the way things are today or do you prefer the past way of doing things? Do I sound old because of this post? lol

Just Thinking...

Listening to some Kenny Chesney and for some reason I’m thinking about my future children. I’m wondering If I will worry the first time I see them, overwhelmed by the responsibility that comes with them or just cherish their existence. I’m wondering if they will look more like me, or their mom. I’m wondering if they will be good kids like their mom was or a terrible little one like I was. Either way, I will love them and always try to point them in the right direction.

I’m thinking that one day they will go through tough days, maybe even tough seasons in their life. I’m wondering if they are going to like to listen to Kenny chesney or Jack’s mannequin on those days like their old man, or if they are going to be into some weird modern music of their day that I won’t understand. I can’t wait to take them fishing or hunting and pour my heart, vision and encouragement into their lives as much as I can.

And a thought that comes to mind while writing all of this: That’s how God loves me too! I know he sees me when I’m going through tough times, and I know he gave Kenny and Andrew the ability to write the music that cheers me up on bad days. I know that he knew I would like fishing and hunting. But more than anything, I know he he can’t wait to pour His heart, vision and encouragement into me when I’m having a tough day or a good one.

…Sorry, I know that these thoughts are pretty random.

Life Is Random and Therefore, So Is My Blog!

Originally this blog was supposed to be different. The title to my blog was part of some poem I wrote in the past. This blog, It was supposed to be for me to write out poetry and actual writing projects but eventually it morphed into whatever it is now. I took the idea of writing in a blog and made it as random as I am. At times I have thought of making it a bit more structured and uniform as to attract more readers and show them how good of a writer I am but I chose not to. If I wanted I can make this a poetry blog, or a theology blog, or a reviews blog, but that is not going to happen. Instead my style will continue to be care free and casual. Instead it will remain this random barrage of thoughts, experiences, lists, videos, reviews, and writings into which it has evolved. I will not stop writing here no matter if I have 2 readers or 200 because I love doing it. I love writing about random crap and having people laugh and attempt to follow my humor (often failing at their attempts ;). I love posting a review and having people either agree or dissent completely. I love posting a random list and having people write their own lists in my comments. Most of all I enjoy the 3 or 4 consistent readers that I do have and I appreciate all of their encouraging comments. I simply enjoy blogging! I love the random posts about many different subjects, unrelated to each other and yet all part of who I am. ( If you want one solid subject please visit my other blog: The Rebirth of J.) lol. Either way, Let freedom rule in blogging, jump from topic to topic depending on your day or your various passions. Let the world know who you are and let your blog be as random as your life is from day to day/ hour to hour. And with that said, I’m gone!

My day is Coming!

My Birthday is coming up real soon. Its not necessarily a milestone. I will be 28 this year. Another year closer to 30. This year didn’t go as well as I planned in terms of changing everything up but I did begin the changes. I’ll go into some of them a bit more specifically in my other blog but I have begun to set myself up for success in the future so I’m finally excited about getting older.
Let me go back to my birthday… I’m not too sure what I’m gonna do but I’m thinking chico for sure, maybe tahoe, reno, or Monterey. We will see. I want to buy myself a shotgun as well so I can do some hunting and what not. I asked for a day off so that should give me a nice little 4 day weekend, It should be great! November 11, here we come!

Daydreaming...

“I didn’t know getting lost in daydreams was odd until a couple of years ago when I asked an old girlfriend what she daydreamed about. She answered nothing. How does a person daydream about nothing? I wondered. But she explained she lived in the now and worked with whatever was really happening.“

Until I read this, I had no idea that everybody didn’t daydream! It’s weird to me. I think to myself how could anybody not mentally escape their daily grind and simply place themselves in other situations, with different people in different places and times? You’ve probably all heard me say that I have a rather short attention span. This might be ADD (I don’t know) but it’s not just other stuff that steals my interest away from a certain subject, it also day dreams.

My mind wanders quite a bit. My mind begins to create stories out of objects or settings almost like a reflex. When I fully engage, great story ideas are born. So I guess in that sense this whole daydreaming thing is a good thing.
The con of this situation would be that I spend too much time day dreaming and not enough time fighting to make these day dreams a reality. I dream too much and I can’t stop. Am I supposed to stop? Or am I just supposed to take these dreams I have and do something with them?

"Could it be so bad to follow all these dreams I have and use them for Your glory?" - Number One Gun

So my question for you all is this: am I alone I daydreaming? Do you day dream? And if so, what about?

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights...

I’m feeling honest conviction right now. I wish I wouldn’t have wasted my 20’s. I literally spent about 5 years doing nothing; just working and spending money. I mean I guess I got some things done in my twenties but if I take inventory, it wasn’t much. I was a youth pastor for five years, I helped some victims of Domestic Violence, I made some good friends and had some good times.
But now what?
I have had a calling on my life to become a pastor since I was 21 and here I am, 27 years old and I haven’t done it yet! I have been terrible with my money and so I have nothing to show for all my working years. I was only a few units away from graduating college and I decided to put it off for a later time and now its exceedingly difficult to get that done. i haven't written any books yet. I haven’t gotten married yet! So many squandered opportunities to be a real man!
But at least I had fun? I’m not sure if it was worth it. In retrospect, there are a lot of decisions that I should have made and a lot of them I messed up. You would think that with God in my life I would have made some better decisions, that I would have lived with purpose and at times I did, but others I didn’t. I guess I have two years left to make this decade a productive one and I’m not going to waste those 2 years. I will let you know when I finally feel successful! lol

Prodigal Son

It's about 12 30 am on Monday June 28th. I saw pictures of one of my old youth members smoking and drinking and supposedly high on ecstasy. I saw his smile. I saw him surrounded by people. I saw him having a great time. I saw myself in him. not me now but the me from years ago, running around partying it up drunk and high; not caring about anything and anybody. I remember smiling and having good times, feeling like I was doing what I wanted to do and feeling like good times would last forever.

and then it happened... life got tough, problems came, and i realized that my feet were not on solid ground. I tried to avoid it and continued partying it up doing what "I wanted to do." It was then that I began to depend on my vices to keep me smiling. I no longer just wanted them, I needed them, first on the weekends, then just at night time some days and then everyday all the time. I no longer used drugs and alcohol,they used me whenever they wanted to... I was an addict.

Although I remember fun times, raging parties, "good friends," etc. The thing that stands out most vividly for me was being separated from my party crew for a minute, putting my hands to the left and right of the sink, looking into my own bloodshot, glazed-over eyes, and feeling hollow inside. I abhorred the person that I had become and I had no idea how to change it. No matter how great I thought my life was, I couldn't lie to myself, I wanted to end it all...

...and then one day I found Christ!!!!

My since prayer tonight is that the youth member that I saw (and all the other prodigal sons and daughters) would find Christ and His Truth.

Covenant Relationships

El presidente: Are you with me…?
Advisor: …To The death!
– Once Upon a Time In Mexico

Turkey Creek Jack Johnson: Why you doin' this, Doc?
Doc Holliday: Because Wyatt Earp is my friend.
Turkey Creek Jack Johnson: Friend? Hell, I got lots of friends.
Doc Holliday: ...I don't.
- Tombstone

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13

I'm down for you so ride with me
My enemies your enemies
Cause you ain't ever had a friend like me…
- 2Pac

Last night I went to my Disciples class and learned/confirmed all kinds of cool stuff about friendship. They talked about how Christian friendships should be the standard for all other relationships but that now in days that isn’t true. The church has accepted the cut-throat, back-stabbing, everybody for themselves attitude when it comes to friendship. This is not the original design of Christian friendships, they are supposed to be covenant relationships in which you propel others to the level that God has for them and they do the same for you. Friendship in general should be a serious subject, sealed by covenant promise and agreement.

They talked about what a covenant was and how historically (biblical times) covenants were made by sacrificing an animal by cutting it in half. Both parties agreeing to the covenant would actually walk bear-footed between the two halves of the animal stepping in the blood and the agreement was that is the agreement was broken, may the breaker’s blood spill like that of the animal! Serious stuff, right?

Then they went on to show the relationship of David and Jonathan in the bible and how they loved each other as themselves and Jonathan basically gave up the crown and gave it to David. They spoke about how this is a godly thing because God’s purpose was for David to get the crown and Jesus to arise from his lineage, and how that could not have happened unless Jonathan was willing to be a covenant relationship keeping friend.

This all begs the question: what happened to this belief of covenant friendship or “True friendship” as I like to call it. Given it may be a tad too serious to say that the bull and the blood and all of that would be acceptable in a friendship now in days.lol. But what happened to people pledging friendship to each other as seen in the quotes above? Is it really too much to ask for loyalty, truth, faithfulness, help, etc. Have we really become so shallow and self-seeking about everything including friendship that we would rather not put in the work to be friends like this to each other anymore? I honestly believe that there aren’t that many “true” friends in this world. Praise God for those that are.