My Grandfather

My Grandfather passed away this morning. My family chose me to give his eulogy. It's been a sad day. I went to visit my parents, we searched for pictures of him. We talked about him. Mourning is so hard. I know it's a part of life but it's so difficult. I hate seasons of mourning. they are so final and sobering.

oh well, anyway. Your prayers for my family are greatly appreciated.
love ya folks!

If You Died Tomorrow?

(yes, that is my name on a tombstone, that's how common my name is, lol)

[Mark Driscoll When asked: “If you were to die tomorrow, what do you hope people will most remember you for?”] … I hope people would remember me as someone who loved Jesus and grew to be more like him by ongoing repentance and grace, adored and enjoyed his wife well, cultivated his children while enjoying them deeply, and served the cause of the gospel wholeheartedly.

What will I be remembered for? I wish I could say it would be knowledge of scripture, or preaching ability or something of the like. Who knows, maybe some will remember me for that (boy, that would be a surprise, haha!). But If I were to guess based off of what I know and think I would say that if I died right now, people might remember me for the following things…

1. Love for Jesus. – anybody who knows me, knows that I love Jesus. I care little for religion, but love me some Jesus. I don’t always shove him down people’s throats (as I should or shouldn’t do, depending on what you believe) but somehow my conversation always come back to Him and how he saved my life!

2. Being a rebel! – Just being honest! I’m a rebel by nature. I’m proud of it sometimes, but others not so much. I was the black sheep in my family. I’m always going counter culture. Counter trend. I refuse to be part of the crowd, or whatever is popular. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty culturally liberal, but I refuse to be who others tell me I have to be. I want to be who God wants me to be, but to be honest, I sometimes even rebel against him :( and that part is not good!

3. A story teller – I’m a talker! I love telling stories and I do it well. I also like creating new stories and writing stories. That’s who I am and that’s what I do.

4. A laugher – I laugh a lot. And if you are with me, you will laugh. I can’t stay serious, I’m a joker. The only thing I take seriously is humor! (haha) I sometimes take jokes too far… which can be mean or awkward… but anyway, I like to joke around!

5. A leader – This I discovered only a few years ago. For years I was a follower, a conformist sheep. I never thought I had what it took to become a leader. Then I was made into a leader. I became a youth pastor and God used me to lead people to Christ, to love them, to guide them and to protect them.

6. A great friend - I love people… genuinely. I can’t help it (not that I should). I care a lot for people. I’m not a shallow friend. I look out for the well-being of others. I want what’s best for them. Sometimes I want more for them than they want for themselves, and that can be a bit intrusive. But I’m a caring person, I’m loyal. I’m that type of a friend.

What about you? What are things for which you think you will be remembered?

My Grandmother

My Grandmother passed away last Monday. She was such a beautiful lady, so full of life and so in love with Jesus. I hadn’t seen her in a couple of months.
It was just about a month ago that I was telling my girlfriend that she would be the only person that I would invite from my family to our wedding. And now she’s gone. I miss her. I should have gone to see her more often. I got to caught up with work and life… that just sounds sad. I’m not gonna lie, I’m disappointed in myself for not visiting her more often. But I know that she loved me. I know she was proud of me.
I was told to do the opening speech but I ended up leading the entire memorial ceremony. The family didn’t plan things out right but then ended up having me lead that service and part of the funeral.
I also got to sing for her and my sister played the piano. I ended up singing “Tears in heaven,” by Eric Clapton. It sounded nice.
The actual burial was pretty bad. I cried a lot. Everybody did. not cool at all. It hurt to see her in a box, dead, lifeless. Her skin was cold and waxy. It felt terrible to see this woman who was once so full of life, being empty.
And yet we move on, we move forward. With pain that stays and makes home in our souls, we press on, knowing that she is gone but that one day we will see her in heaven.

Life & Death

The other day I was watching “My sisters keeper and afterwards it left me thinking. My thoughts fled straight to the fact that I will die one day, that all those around me will die one day. Aside from the whole God/ Spiritual destination thing, I just started thinking about missing people. I thought about what it would be like to lose a parent. I love my mom and dad so damn much and to lose them would be a world-ending experience to me. To lose my girlfriend, a woman who at times makes me so angry but most of the time makes me happier than any man can be. Or one of my sisters who I see everyday. To take them away would be to destroy my world. Or one of my close friends that have been with me for years and to all of a sudden stop having them.
For a second I felt like telling them all how much I adore each person individually. I felt like telling them that they meant the world to me and that I knew God existed because He chose to love me through them. That they were the smile in my day and the peace I felt at night. That they were everything to me and meant more to me in life than they will ever know. But I stayed quiet. I hope one day they know how much they all mean to me!

To Live, To Die...

For years my mind has been overflowing with ideas of death. Although it does sound morose I do not mean it in an unhealthy way, just in a curious way that drives me to think about various aspects of death in detail. For example: my pallbearers, a drinking ceremony that only my closest friends will participate in, my funeral plans, etc. Death became a large part of my life as I came to terms with the fact that eventually, I will die.
I remember various times when things would happen to me and I didn’t really fear death, it just seemed so normal to me. I was not suicidal, but I just didn’t think death was that bad of an option, in my mind I was ready.
Recently things have changed. I guess my ideas about God, various books, some friends, many different places and experiences have brought me to a place where death is no longer the subject of all my thoughts. Instead I have begun to realize that life…is beautiful.
Its not that I fear death now, but I have merely begun to realize that life is what it is. That pain and hurt and bad times are all a part of this journey that we call life… That good friends and bad friends are a part of life… That mountains and valleys are all part of life. That we are here not just to exist but to live, to breath, to crawl, to walk, to run, to fall, to get back up and run again until we can no longer do so.
I have realized that it is not about forcing myself to be the best person that I can be but letting Christ change me day by day as he pleases and simply enjoying life and His Presence. I have learned even more so that His love for me is bigger than I know and can ever imagine.
I have learned that God created this world for me to see, explore and enjoy…. and to glorify him for the beauty of all of it. There is a world out there waiting to be explored by me… by all of us. There are skylines, oceans, sunsets, wonders, beautiful landscapes all of which were created by the Almighty for his people to see and appreciate. We were not meant be stuck in offices all the time although that is a large part of our lives. We were meant to see the world and be captivated by its beauty, not only in pictures, but really gaze at it and see the hand of God in everything.
I have realized that my time on this earth is like a book and so I shouldn’t be so preoccupied with reaching the end. I should enjoy the settings, the characters, the conflicts, the climaxes, the resolutions, the turning of pages and the changing of seasons. I should read along wary of not speeding things up, but rather enjoying each part of the story as it comes and simply loving the story of my life as a whole.