Poem: Dissapear

You have disappeared into thin air
Its like the fog swallowed you up and digested you
until you became a wasted version of who you once were
To me, you were a rock star!
You were a picture on a wall that represented so much more
You were heart and soul,
Flesh and Blood,
Intelligence and talent
You were the first thought on my mind
when good combined with time
and music combined with rhyme
you’re the first one I would find
when I felt lost and scared
You empathized with me when all I asked for was sympathy
You were strength when I was weak, Jesus in flesh
Sacrifice of your last penny
So that I can make sense of life again
You were side-splitting laughter
Revealing intestines, nicotine-stained lungs,
and heart enough for ten men
you were my friend, my confidant
My Idol and my biggest fan
You were potential untapped
You were Light waiting to erupt into darkness
Tearing it into shards
You were tethered excellence,
Underrated genius
That in a just world would have been a billionaire,
Famous and worry-free
There was no one like you
Not even close

But you were a fortress to the outside world
You were a fetal position hiding behind walls of laughter
Shielded by quips and one liners
Twice as tall as anybodies attempts to find the real you
You were hope hanging on by the sliver of a string
A man climbing mountains of faith
With no vision
Loyal to the end
While others were fake from the beginning
You remained true as your foes attacked you
Feeding you lies about worthlessness and failure
until you had your fill
I watched you as you began to burn bridges
And go at it alone
I held out a helping hand which you dismissed
In attempt to fix your broken existence
By calling it your own mess
And insisting that nobody could fix it but you.
And I watched you,
As you crashed and burned on a dark winter night
Toppling over like a once mighty tower
Giving into the lesser of evils
And yet abandoning
The faith you had in God,
as he disappeared from your sight
The faith I had in you,
as You disappeared from my life
And the faith you had in yourself
as you disappeared into thin air
surrendering in your own fight…

Ricochet In Reverse

When I first saw this it blew my mind. I was quiet for a few minutes after, saddened by the decisions of these two boys and their wasted potential in this life. I can't say enough about it to do it justice so i will just let you watch it and you can tell me what you think. Enjoy!



in case you are wondering the poets are 2/3 of a spoken word trio called the suicide kings: Jamie DeWolf and Geoff Trenchard.

drowning within

Forever seems distant
So my life is lived for the moment
My lips won’t speak of the unspeakable acts
That I consider my everyday routine
I can’t worry about forever,
Today has more than enough stuff
For a lifetime of hell fire
Sometimes, heat seems more promising
As long as I get my way
Childish logic
makes me empty my wallet
for the first guilty pleasure
that makes me feel innocent again
and yet the night welcomes me
with eyes wide open
lack of sleep
because I know in the depth of me
that I am wrong
and so I remain empty
but full of myself
full of crap,
full of regrets,
enough to fill an ocean
which hides me a little more
with every step that I take
deeper unto perdition
until I can no longer breathe.
And most don’t understand
That THAT is exactly why I need God
He saves me when I am drowning
Deep within myself

They call it Letting Go...

Holding on for dear life
Holding on as tightly as I can
Holding on firmly
Holding on
Holding on but losing strength
Barely holding on
Holding on by a thin thread
Grip slipping
Fingertips sweating
Lost my grip
… letting go…
Falling further away
It’s gone
And now…
Complete Chaos!

To Truly Live...

To listen to a song that always sounds as amazing as the first time that you heard it
To finish the best book that you have ever read
To laugh until your stomach hurts
To live a day without having slept the night before
To drive, the wind blowing through your hair and music playing loud without a care
To accomplish a goal and stare at yourself in the mirror with pride
To hear somebody tell you that you have changed their life
To gaze wide-eyed at a sky full of bright stars
To listen to the roar of the ocean waves as they hit the shore
To inhale the air of a mountain or canyon that has just taken your breath away
To hang with a group of friends and realize that they have changed you forever
To know the unconditional love of a person that loves you as much as you love them
To spend time with family and know that there is no one more important than them
To come to know that God is real and understand that he loves you
To figure out what really matters in this world
To smile because at the moment you are truly happy
To truly...live.

Poem: Finally Forgotten

When your pictures fell into the ocean
They were consumed by fire
That was my farewell to you
Hoping that as flames burned away at your face on a picture
My hate would eat away at your memories existent
In the deepest parts of my heart
Where I couldn’t reach them if I wanted to

As the sun set and the day ended
I wished that it could take with it
All the thoughts of you that inundated my mind
Trying to lose it all but instead come to find
That everything reminded me of you
No matter how small the item or gesture
And I couldn’t forget you, even if I tried

As I drove miles away from where I gave up on you
I wondered if I could forgive you
More so, if I could forget you
And all the small things that made you a huge part of my life
I looked into the future and saw this exact moment
Where I remember you by chance
And not because I have to
Where my life feels complete
Even though you’re not a part of it.
And it feels as if you never were.

Poem: When the world ends...

When the world crashes down
I see the stars fall to the sky and destroy all in their path
Once beautiful, now destructive
Fire runs rampant
Blazes trails that previously did not exist
New roads to travel
Paths I did not need, but I now have
Moon red as blood
Hemorrhaging over the past, present
and spilling into future.
Never to be forgotten,
If I even survive this.
That which I thought forever
Now embedded in memories
Fleeing from my mind in the eye of this storm
I try to run
But it’s too late for that.
Ashes left of the past
Ashes left of me.

Poem: Untitled

I know but I don’t tell others.
I hide where nobody can see me.
I scream but nobody hears a sound.
Nobody cares to find me
And I’m okay with that.
At least sometimes.

Story written but can’t erase
So I try not to inscribe more
I inhale but cant breath
So I exist but I don’t live
Quiet don’t make a sound
I don’t want them to know I’m alive

Sleep without dreaming
Rest but not to catch my breath
Movement with no progression
I’m not looking for an escape
So don’t come and find me
But I’ll be here if you need me
Searching within to find a way out.

Poem:Beauty in the night...

Poem written at 2am. lol

Dark skies hide sunrays that usually melt snow away
So cold that it freezes thoughts as well as my breath
And I am captivated
Stepping out into bitter frozen winters
When All I knew was the sun
Brilliant days enlighten my crooked ways
But snow covers up the path
And so I become lost in the storm
Perhaps never to find my course
And I’m not sure I want to find my way home
Not tonight

Darkness of night is a fresh breath from light
And maybe I just want to sleep and forget to breathe
Even if only for a moment
Stars appear when illumination fades
And I remember what it was like to dream
Constellations write love letters in the heavens
That were never meant to be read or written
But that tonight reveal beauty
Unlike that of the sun, beauty of warmth
But splendor of this freezing snow-covered twilight
And I want to find my way back home, I do
...or do I?

Poem: What is Worship?

Meant to be a slam poem so it is better when heard live. 1st Performed on September 5th 2008. Unfortunately nobody caught it on video, otherwise I would have posted it here. But here is the text version, enjoy.

What is worship?
It is a question I must ask myself every time before I begin
You see worship is a journey and not just a bus stop.
Worship will not come to you, because we all come to worship
And So I ask again what is worship?
Use caution when defining
Because worship may not be what you think it is.
Worship is a journey
When my soul is tired, I press on
When I feel dry and dead, I press on
When I don’t feel like doing it I press, on!

And I move forward past myself and what I feel.
I leave myself at the door as I enter into worship
And I see the outer courts of what is called the tabernacle,
Six chapters of Holy Old Testament scripture dedicated to this I see here.
Built to exact specification and regulation
With an outer court, designed as a rectangle
People gathered around but not allowed into the temple itself
Too holy for your average person
But I press on, forward, past everybody that is standing in my way
Past all the problems of my day
Past my “past” itself
And past myself, and my soul begins to move forward
Regardless of what my flesh wants
My soul desires more
And so I move forward

Into the tent itself made of curtains of the most perfect goats hair
And a roof made of the mighty Rams skins
And I see a simple yet difficult division,
This place is designed for the priests only and so my credentials are a bit low
Oh but one greater than myself reserved the right to call me whatever he pleases
And he calls me a chosen person,
He says I am of a Holy nation,
He says I belong to God and oh, what’s this?
He that is above All, says that I am of a Royal Priesthood!
Please enter into the holy place.

I stand inside the Holy place
I see three pieces of furniture
A seven-branched oil lamp stand, a table for twelve loaves of showbread, and straight ahead before the dividing curtain is an altar for incense burning.
As I proceed I come close to the curtain, a veil separating me from whom I am now
To who I will be in the eyes of He
Whose name I cannot speak
Who tells me to take the sandals off my feet
Whose Holiness I cannot reach
Whose presence can change me
From the person that I am now
To who I will be

And yet I do not fit the criteria,
You see, only the high priest,
Sanctified as far as the eye can see
Holiness to the highest degree…
…That you can find in a person like you and me
Only the chief Priest, is allowed to enter into this last room, once a year
And I am not worthy of entering, but I press on
And As I approach something begins to happen
The veil begins to tear from top to bottom
Through the power of he
Who died for me,
Setting me free,
To come and go as I please
And this is worship
Standing face to face
With the creator of grace
The author and pefector of my faith
The one with the Holy ineffable name

Power prevailing over everything that I am
Power that created the Universe
Power that defeats my enemies
Power that makes walls fall
Power that brought Christ from death to life
And that power allows me only to prostrate myself
And I lay there as a dead person
Before the All-powerful, the sovereign, the omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent alpha and omega
And all I can do is be still as he takes away my sin, my comfort, my flesh, my fears,
My worries, my anxieties,
And he takes the “me” away from me
And there, for a few precious moments basking in His presence
...I actually feel free!
And I speak to the one true, living, all powerful, God
Face to face as a man speaks to his friend
I don’t want this moment to end…ever!
And so as everybody leaves and continues as they were
My home I have finally found
I never want to leave this place….ever
Because this here,
Being in this place
Praising God face to face,
That is what I call… Worship

Now THIS is Poetry!

Rupert Estanislao - Empress

Poem: Hiding

This poem was written for a close friend of mine that is near and dear to my heart. I was with her during a very difficult time in her life when God was teaching her to overcome her battles. It was a bit after that I wrote these words about her.



Hiding

I see you when your head hangs in shame
The gloom in your face hides a beautiful smile
That the world doesn’t deserve to see.
Because it hurt you many times
And they laughed as they hurt you
Wounds wide open for the whole world to observe.
And I see you when you cry
So just know that you’re not alone

I know your tears hide joyful eyes
Full of happiness unattained
And glee unseen by those around you
The Frown on your face
Hide a smile full of grace, which seems pure.
All to gain the attention of a mother that does not understand
That at least when she yells at you, she has your attention
Even if just for a minute.

I don’t know if you knew
That you light up the room when you first walk in.
That inherited traits passed down from your mother
And the father that you don’t accept
Attract attention and demand stares.
People love what you do not see within yourself
And yet pick at those things
That make you different from the crowd.

I know you hate the person you see in the mirror
And you wish upon stars and birthday candles
To end pain that increases as the year goes by
And as long as you go home to a fresh razor blade,
You think everyday will be okay.
And your certainty hurts me as much as veins slit to comfort
Blood dripping down your arm hides pain deep inside
Justified in your mind by the ability to continue living another day.

And I see you
I see your tears and the pain that you so carefully try to hide
I see you for who you really are and you are amazing
Your fear and insecurities hide potential untapped
And I believe in you more than you believe in yourself.
You can make it past today.
Have faith in yourself and find who you really are.
You’re not lost, but simply hiding.

Poem: Black and White Fever

Black and White fever is a poem that I wrote a while back to speak of my paranoid feelings when it comes to the police. It talks about how even today, I still get extremely nervous whenever I see cops. I hate the police, lol.


Black and White Fever

Harmony interrupted by the lava-like eruption
Of red and blue lights that take my breath away and blind my sight
Because I spent many sleepless nights feeling lost in fright
Scared they might come for me tonight like I don’t have rights.
And take me away to a freezing cell feeling like hell
As they offer me blackmail if I just squeal and give them a trail
But I aint got no tale because I ain’t a rat
Visions of me gone upstate seal my fate due to my past.
Because it still comes back and haunts me
Cops try to daunt me as they roll by looking at me as if they’re flaunting
A badge and black suit, all cars in pursuit
Latino male driver looks around the age of 22

I pull over my car, sweating bullets, living memories
Of bad times, age of 16, and what they said to me
Don’t you move you Mexican do you have any drugs?
Any weapons on your person? Why you dressed like a thug?
Why you bugging me? All I was doing was walking down the street
I’m Salvadoran by the way; it’s a completely different country
What you getting smart with me? Lay your head down on the hood
Is this a red bandanna? Don’t you move, understood?
You little spics are all the same, gang bangers and potheads
The next time I see you I’ll be searching you again
Tell your friends that I’m watching them closely in their crimes
My past times while living the fast life in mind

But now its nine years later and I’m a man, an adult.
I don’t have a thing to fear no drugs, no charge of assault
I’m just a citizen, a member of society, an average Joe
But I can still hear the officer laughing it up like a joke
Now my car is pulled over, I’m done reliving my fears
I forget about the past about the cops and their jeers
So I’m ready for whatever I can’t be scared of their stuff
The lights disappear as the patrol car passes me up.
I start to laugh let out a sigh and I get back on the street
Another case of black and white fever caused by the heat.