I knew it would come up one day...

At times you will read my blogs and you will see me refer to my olf best friend. If you had met me last year, you would have heard many angry stories about her. Recently I haven't talked about her or remembered her much. Today, I was looking through my old myspace blogs (thinking I should make a blog just for my poetry) and I happened to see an old post from her and her pic next to it and so today, I remembered her.

Let me explain and for anybody that knows me you know whom I’m talking about. She was my best friend. I hated her for the longest time but that was long ago. I am indifferent towards her now, but at times I still remember our friendship.

It was March of 2005 when I first met her. My friend “Xavier” was trying to get at her because he thought she was hot. I encouraged him to go for it and so he did. When he got shot down, lol, He tried to hide it and told me that he didn’t like her and he probably would never talk to her again.

I ended up seeing her on myspace and asking her about my friend Xavier and what had happened (Xavier can be pretty disrespectful so I needed to see if I had to fix any of his offenses) and she ended up telling me that she had never met him. Turns out my buddy gave her a fake name, lol. So anyway, we laughed it off and we started talking. As we started talking more through the telephone, we ended up finding out that we had very similar senses of humor. It was cool thought because we could be totally crazy and yet we could also be totally serious.

At that time she did not know Christ as her savior. She had many biases against the church since she was a pk. She had a lot of questions about God, hated Christianity and underneath it all she was hurting. She had the preconceived idea that I was going to be a judgmental punk since I was a Christian. When she actually got to know me, she realized that I wasn’t like that. I lived my Christianity, I didn’t just talk about it and I told her that I wouldn’t try to shove the gospel down her throat but if she needed Him I was gonna give Him to her. (my policy with Christ and my friends)

At one point she ended up thanking me for showing her that Christians weren’t all punks and for showing her Christ in my life. We went to a “summerfest” and she ended up surrendering her life to God and I thanked God for giving me the privilege of being able to lead her to Christ. (If there was ever a reason for me to meet her, I know that was it, so praise God.)

So we continued to be friends. We were crazy together. Wherever we went, we tore the place up. Very similar personalities: Loud, crazy, and humorous. We basically egged each other on and so we had a blast when we were together. Then at times we just talked to each other about anything and everything. She was one of those few good friends in the world that is (or was, or so I thought) like family, always there when you need them. I have issues with friendship so when she showed me that people could be real and that not everybody was out to hurt you, I really did believe her. She really was my best friend, I loved her like a sister.

And heres the part that sucked. Well at one point she told me about this guy that was trying to get with her. I encouraged her to go 4 it because she wasn’t attracted to him and so she didn’t want to give him a chance. Since I told her she should talk to him, she did and guess what, she ended up liking him and she then stopped talking to me! Lol. It was very tragic at the time. Now I look back and think, so what? But the truth is this: for some reason, even though she was a great friend, I didn’t trust her. I was and am used to the fact that people don’t really stick around, they leave you… at least when it comes to friends. And so when she stopped talking to me so much I got mad and I stopped talking to her. That means that her once a month phone call was ignored. And her thing was when she felt ignored she starts calling repeatedly. My thing is when I feel ignored I push away.

So needless to say I felt very hurt by this whole situation. We went from talking all the time throughout the day to never talking at all. And so since she was my best friend, it hurt me really bad when we started talking. So much that when we actually did talk, it was all argument.

I still remember the last time that we talked, our last phone call. We argued so much. We yelled at each other we said harsh things, unforgivable things. That phone conversation tore us apart for good. I remember hating her so much after that. Every time I remembered her it was a bad feeling and therefore every time my pastor preached on topics like hate or forgiveness, She always came to mind. Hating her took so much out of me. It really did take a long time to get over that whole situation. Forgiveness really is the best medicine for hate.

I still remember one day that I got to the point where I wrote her a big long hate filled message and I wanted to send it to her and it was like it just clicked. She didn’t care if I hated her or not. She was moving on with her life and here I was holding a grudge against her. It was then that I finally made a decision to forgive her, forget about her and move on. And when I did that, She wasn’t on my mind anymore, I wasn’t weighed down by hate and I moved on.

I don’t know if we could have remained friends but I will never find out either. As long as I am concerned she was part of my life but only for a little while. Just long enough for her to accept Christ and that is a privilege. I still remember her from time to time but we are not friends anymore, not even acquaintances, she is just a memory from my past.